


if home is a people then you are my place

by puglover



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Holiday, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Season 3 AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-25 22:42:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,565
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21833104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puglover/pseuds/puglover
Summary: Steve just wanted to get back to the house before the storm got too bad. Instead he ends up in Billy Hargrove's bed. Or the story of Steve Harrington's best & worst Christmas ever.
Relationships: Steve Harrington/Billy Hargrove
Comments: 3
Kudos: 23
Collections: Harringrove Holiday Exchange 2019





	if home is a people then you are my place

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ToAStranger](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ToAStranger/gifts).



> \- Warning : Somewhat graphic violence, drug use mentioned, mentions of passed abuse. 
> 
> \- Set in-universe post-S3 where Billy lives and as with all things : everyone is just a bit broken. Starts off a little dark-ish and then turns a little fluffy.
> 
> \- Also I never met a comma I didn't use the fuck out of. Sorry for all the repetitions its a thing / mood vibe / just go with it or don't and click the back button. This is a no pressure zone. 
> 
> \- There are time skips and perspective changes galore . Will try to label everything.
> 
> -Super intimidated, this is an amazing fandom with phenomenal writers. hope it reads well and is enjoyable for the recipient.

  


==== DAY 1 : December 24 TH Tuesday 5pm ==== 

  


Steve stares up at the sky, an expanse of light gray clouds blanketing his vision. There's a puff of white as he exhales. Its at least 20 degrees he figures. Dave keeps the video shop a balmy 78. Which means the moment Steve leaves for the day he's freezing no matter how many layers he wears.

The warm smoke of his cigarette held between his lips dose more to bolster him from the numbing cold. Than his wool coat and matching cashmere scarf and gloves mom brought back from France on her latest trip.  
Even then he's still sure he can feel his balls trying to crawl back into his body. There's a storm that's supposed to come in tonight. At least that's what the radio said this morning as he drove into work. 

  


  


Steve spent the day rewinding tapes in the back room. While Robin's replacement made goo-goo eyes at every teenage boy who came in to gawk at her. Robin had left for college in Chicago three months ago. She'd made Steve promise to write and call. Had threatened to come back down during winter break, to drag Steve back to Chicago herself if he didn't visit her.

  


Steve did write and call. Yet Robin had called back to say she couldn't make it down for winter break. She was buried under assignments and Steve also suspected maybe someone else.  
Figured, everyone in Steve's life left him eventually for something or someone else , that was better, more exciting than Steve ever could be.

  


Steve exhales, its 5pm. They sky's slowly turning a deeper gray. Its Christmas eve. When Dave had told them they were closing early due to the storm, Steve's heart had sank. The thought of going back to that cold dark. Perfect house. Filling him with dread. 

  


His parents had left for Italy a few days ago. With just a kiss on the cheek and "be good darling we'll be back after the new year" from his mom and not even a word uttered in his direction from his dad.

  


That silence was the defining characteristic of his life now. His father hadn't spoken to him since he graduated. He'd told his parents he wouldn't be going to work at dad's firm. That had got him nothing but another "oh, darling" from his mom and a stone cold look from his dad. That had marked the beginning of the end for Steve and his dad. 

  


Though there wasn't much of a relationship to end anyway. They were just strangers in the same house. Steve's pretty sure if it wasn't for his mom and the fact that his parents barely lived in the house. His dad may just change the locks one day and forget he had ever had a son.

  


Steve inhales deeply, trying to suck the last of the nicotine into his body. He realizes his figures have gone numb even with his gloves on. While he was standing outside the closed video store trying to smoke his last cigarette and put off getting into the car to drive home. 

  


  


Sighing he flicks the butt of his cigarette onto the street, and crosses to get to his Beamer. The metal creeks when he pulls the door open. There's a cough to the engine as he turns it over. It doesn't sound like the soft purr he's use too. He cranks up the heater as high as it'll go which is still too low to have any effect. The Beamer hasn't been working too great lately. 

  


That just goes to show Steve that the car much like himself has been used up this past year. At least that's what it feels like. He's manged to age a decade in a year. Feels used up and rusted and ready to just not start one morning and then never start again everyday after. Yet the car still works holding on to life. So Steve pulls out from the curb and heads back to the house that hasn't been home in a very long time.

  


  


==== DAY 1 : December 24 TH Tuesday 5:15 pm ==== 

  


There's too much silence nowadays. Even when Steve turns on the radio. It feels too quite for him. It was never like this. Or rather the silence never bothered him before. Probably because he'd never been enveloped in the sounds of people he'd really cared about and who cared about him. Probably because he'd never really understood what lived in the dark silent spaces of the world. Now he did.

Now he knew too much and he couldn't go back. He couldn't just sit in a office in his dad's firm and stare at paperwork knowing what he'd seen. Which is funny considering not too long ago that was the exact thing he'd begged Nancy to do. He'd been so desperate to return to normalcy. He'd hadn't stopped to think if he could.

  


He'd tried so hard. He'd gotten the job at the mall in a sort of compromise with himself and his parents. A sort of test run. Do something normal. Prepare himself for working a 9 to 5 job. It had been working. He'd been mind numbingly board at times. But it had been working. Things had settled. Dustin went off to camp, chasing knowledge and girls. 

  


The other kids were running around town like the young teenagers they were.  
Then as suddenly as everything had rightened, it fell apart. It stopped working when Dustin came back and the monsters he'd thought locked away literally came crawling back into his world. 

  


Or really those stupid Russian fuckers pried open the door and let them back in. Steve knew he wasn't the brightest bulb. He could never do the math or the since stuff but he understood enough to know. That crack in the world, that was something you don't mess with no matter what.

  


Finding a secret foreign government facility under the Starcourt mall. Well every fiber of his being was screaming no, don't go there. Just run away as far as possible but he couldn't just let the kids go it alone.

  


This summer had blow his world up. And now … now he didn't know how to handle the silence. The empty spaces where half the kids use to be. The sad slightly lost look on Mike's face. The way Max would still get a little quite every time she spoke about Billy. The way Nancy threw herself into collage admissions but deferred attendance until the spring.  
The way even the whole town had grown more quite with the passing of its Sheriff. How one of the few adults Steve had come to think of as dependable and trustworthy. Is gone and there's no one there to fill the void.

  


Though he guesses now he was kinda supposed to fill that role. To step up , even a little bit. But Steve can't, he just can't. Hopper's gone and with that he unwittingly took more people. Joyce is gone, Steve would never fault her for leaving after everything. El, the only person left with the power to hold the monsters at bay literally. And half the hearts of both Mike and Nancy.

  


All Steve can think is, what's going to happen if that stitched together seam between worlds opens up again. If something worse than a weird tentacle mind control monster comes through.

  


Steve still carries a bloody nailed bat in his trunk. He still sleeps with all the lights on. Still cranks the heat up even if it's only slightly chilly nowadays. He pops his mom's anxiety meds like candy and smokes the weed Robin sends him every night hopeing to sleep till morning.

  


Thing is, it doesn't matter what he dose. He always ends up in the same place. All roads lead back to a deep dark center of fear and pain and stress and that fucking hole in the world. Like those mazes on the covers of Dustin's fantasy books. There's nothing he can do to change the outcome. That feeling of helplessness rushes in to shallow him whole.

  


And all he is. All he's done this passed year. Every good and noble and brave thing every connection he's made. It all disappears. And he's just alone in his head. Nothing but the rushing sound of silence. A feeling like ice running through his veins.  
It feels a bit like the time Tommy dared him to go on the summer carnival roller-coaster. He was 8 and too small besides. But they bullied their way on. That feeling of his stomach dropping when they got to the top. He knew no matter how much he didn't want to be there. He couldn't change what was going to happen. He was going to be pulled forward, propelled too far too fast and experience that feeling of falling. Of things being totally out of his control. Having no say over what he feels.

  


That's how things are now. Even though everything seems peaceful in Hawkins. There's a new sheriff. The malls reopened in time for Christmas. Everyone's stopped talking about it. But he still feels numb, stuck behind glass unable to effect anything. That is, numb to anything but the heart pulsing terror of his nightmares. The creeping feeling of dread in the silences of his life. The pills help but only so much.

  


Because in the end his still alone. He's always been alone. Always trying to get people to stay. First his parents, then Tommy and his 'friends' when that didn't work. Steve thought if he learned to trade his wealth and popularity for friendships. Maybe he could find that feeling of love. But Nancy showed him how wrong he was. 

  


The monsters hiding in the cracks of the world showed him how little all that mattered. Then he'd thought he'd found something better after everything went to shit. Granted it was with kids not yet in high school but still. He felt good, like he had a place and a purpose. Babysitter, protector, he was a responsible adult. They came to him with their problems or at least Dustin did and looked to him for help. But that was a fragile thing. It broke the moment all the real adults went away. And while he still sees Dustin from time to time. The kid is almost as starved for affection as Steve is. He's doing better has a girlfriend now. Its not the same feeling of warmth.

  


  


Robin was pretty much the only person he still felt any real connection with. But she had a life now. A life outside Hawkins. A chance to escape all the bullshit as Nancy would say. The last time they'd spoken. Robin's tinny voice on the phone telling Steve about her pretentious English professor and the pretty girl in her study group. It'd taken him a whole three minutes to realize she'd ask him a question. And and other five to response when she'd asked again in a quite voice. 

  


“Steve , how are you doing? ”  
“fine, yeah doing good. I'm fine. just board at work. The new girl isn't as snappy with her come backs as you are. Plus I think she may like Dave. that's reason enough not to get too chatty with her” The words had burn coming out his throat.

  


“yeah, ok. well I'll see for myself in the spring. I hate that I cant make it home for Christmas. This English professor's a real dick. I'm dragging you out for drinks in the spring. Or you could drive up here sometime?”  
“yeah, I don't know. I'm not really up for a 6 hour drive. Not even sure if the Beamer could make it that far”

  


“Well think about it Steve. Beer as far as the eye can see and lots of hot and horny coeds looking to hook up. It'd be like paradise for you here.”  
“what? Are you trying to get me a girlfriend?”

  


“ girlfriend , boyfriend , one night of fun to forget your troubles. Whatever you want Steve.”  
“ ewww, no. I don't need you to be my pimp.”  
She'd snorted at that “no, not your pimp. just your drug dealer. With the amount of weed you asked me to mail you this month.“

  


“come on, I always pay you back. It's just cause Jason left for collage and I cant trust anyone else to not cut rat poison into my weed.“  
“I think your being dramatic.”  
“Really? Last time I went to Chelsea and I swear she put something else in it. I got dizzy and passed out. Plus you know I cant sleep without smoking.”  
“oh my god Steve, did she try to date rape you? Fine, just don't buy any more drugs from strangers. But i'm not going to mail you any more you have to drive up here and get it.”  
Steve sighs “ok, i'll let you know when I can make it up there” 

  


Steve comes back to himself in a daze. Realizing he'd driven an extra mile passed his usual turn off for the house. It's snowing now, big fat globs of white fluff streaming down. The road a crunchy white mess.  
Even those ominous trees that surround Hawkins don't look near as foreboding as always, with all the snow. But he must have forgotten to turn on his heater cause his car is freezing even though he remembers turning it on before. it feels like he's slowing down even though his foot has almost press the gas pedal into the floor board. He stares out at the twilight lit road painted half brunt orange and a deep navy. The trees appear to grow swallowing up the sky. Stretching out long out claw like branches which appear to be reaching out to grab the car and drag it into the forest. 

  


Steve shakes his head. Telling himself to knock it off. There's nothing in the forest now. Everything's been sealed away thanks to El. Yet, something is darting out from the tree line and into the road. Big, hulking and dark. A lighting quick blur in Steve's field of vision .  
The car jerks under Steve's hands. He's probably clipped it as it passed by. Because next thing he knows he's ramming the Beamer face first into a tree and darkness swallowing him up .

  


  


==== DAY 1 : December 24 TH Tuesday 5:45pm ==== 

  


Billy likes the silence now. He can sit without it being a tense fear of what will come.  
hes faced the silence and he lived. carries the scars of it on his body both from Neil and from the monster that lived inside his head. Those kids, max's friends called it the mind flayer. But it wasn't quite apt a name. it did feel a bit like it cut him open. At least in the beginning to get inside him. but once it was in. filled him up, stretching his skin too tight.  
It was like burning but instead of heat. like a cold contact burn. A cold so focused it felt numb straight to the touch. you didn't even realize it was touching you till after you were encased in it. It spread across every part of him. Filled all his cracks and then it expanded pushing outwards . Trying to grow.

That's the thing. Billy always loved the heat. The warm Californian sun had been his life blood. Days spent baking in the sun and sand. Running around with his friend while warm dry winds whipped his hair into a rats nest. Until Neil couldn't stomach one more minute in California and moved them out here. Billy had spent every spare second he had wishing, praying, planing, daydreaming a way back to California.  
But in the same way he'd known he'd never be free of Neil. He'd knew he'd never leave Hawkins or see California again. not unless Neil wanted him to. 

  


In a strange way that weird crazy shit that happened with the world ending monster and the little girl El. It saved him, saved him from his own personal monster.

  


He had woken up in the hospital, after having survived becoming a portal for an other worldly monster. He'd stared up at the beige popcorn ceiling. And decided fuck it. He was tired of Neil and tired of being afraid. Not for the first time in his life he'd been made to feel completely powerless. But he'd fought this time, even though he'd never felt more alone , more powerless, more at the mercy of a force that sought to control him.

  


Yet in this case he'd fought even when it seem it would be the end. When he knew that he wouldn't be coming back from this. He'd fought anyway. To help max. He'd fought to make a connection to that psychic girl. The one who'd walked into his mind and right into his darkest dreams.  
Now that he'd had stood in the center of the maelstrom of his mind and watched how his father tried to break him at every turn. Over and over and over.

  


Well, he'd come to realize, being mad, being angry didn't make him Neil. It made him human. In some weird fucked up way. Being possessed by an eldritch monster  
that made him relived all his childhood trauma over and over. Had released him from its hold.  
The more he'd watched his mother turn to call him back from the waves. The more he'd seen Neil slap him again and again. Every time he'd felt a little less paralyzed. He'd begun to feel a different kind of anger. A frustration born of a need to not be there any more. And a willingness to do anything to get out of his own head. Even if it meant wrestling control of his own mind back from that tentacled fucker. 

  


And if he could do that. If he could survived at the fucked shit that happened in the star-court mall food court. Well he could sure as fuck could walk away from Neil.

  


That's what he did, the moment he'd recovered from his run in with the tentacle monster. He'd turned 18 while in the hospital, he was free to walk away now. He'd half expected to find a bag of his stuff sitting on the stoop when he gotten back to the house. But that hadn't been the case. He'd come back to find Neil , Susan and Max sitting down to a family dinner.

  


He'd stayed long enough to pack a duffle bag of his things and give a big fuck you to Neil. The only unexpected kindness had been Max running after him. She'd given him a hug and told him Neil had sold Billy's car to the local junk yard. Billy had thanked Max by letting her keep his records. Of course she'd turned that around on him by bringing them over when he'd gotten a place and charged him with storing her records.

  


Billy's biggest fear in some ways had been what he would do when he left Neil. In some ways all those things Neil yelled at him for years had sunk in. There was always the paralyzing thought of he'd end up a lost boy. 

  


But things had worked out. He'd gone to the junk yard. Not to get his car back but, drawn to the idea of seeing the camaro one last time. Didn't want his last memory of it to be blood soaked terror and super natural possession. 

  


Jack the owner of the junk yard had sold the Billy's camaro to his brother Dan who ran the local repair shop in Hawkin's. So Billy had hitched a ride back into town and went to bid farewell to his car. But Dan had taken one look at Billy, 20lbs lighter than he'd been before the start of summer. Dark circles bruising under his eyes and told Billy he needed an assistant.

  


Apparently Dan had bought the Camaro because even with the damage. the car had been in such good condition. Which Dan owed to Billy. So that's how Billy had ended up with a job working on cars, doing oil changes. Basically doing all the scut work Dan says he'd gotten too old to do. Like taking the tow truck out to pick up customers broken down cars.  
Luckily there was an office above Dan's repair shop that he'd converted into a apartment a while back when he'd gone through a separation with his wife.

  


It was a good set up, Dan still paid Billy for his work and Billy paid rent by doing odd jobs for Dan on the side. Like now he'd spent the afternoon ferrying junked cars from the repair shop to Dan's brothers junk yard to next county over. He'd just dropped off the last one 15mintues ago.  
Billy was looking forward to getting back home and taking a hot shower . It'd started snowing an hour ago. Fluffy white flakes streaming down, which had prompted Billy to crank the heat as high as it would go. He'd hated the cold. 

  


Billy eyes refocused on the road. It was getting dark, twilight rapidly fading to night. The tow truck's headlights illuminating the road faintly. There was something up ahead in the distance. Some twisted mass of flesh laying on the road. Billy pumps his brakes, preparing to slow down and take a closer look.

  


  


==== DAY 1 : December 24 TH Tuesday 5:40pm ==== 

  


Steve wakes with a jolt. Body snapping tense from the limp suspension of the Beamer's seat belt. He's cold, colder than he's ever been before - it's . . . . it reminds him a bit of the upside down. It's dark. He can see the blue velvet of the sky. The sun must have set while he was out. That's right, he hit something. Steve looks up to see part of a tree trunk embedded in the right front part of his car. “Shit”

Suddenly there a sound. A rasping groan, it's low but rumbling  
“what the fuck?”  
Steve turns his head to the left to see something laying on the road. Part of the mass trashing, while part of it lays preternaturally still.  
“what the fuck??” Seems to be the only thing Steve can say at the moment. 

  


All he can see in the mix of dieing twilight and his still running headlights bouncing off the snow on the ground is sliver brown fur.  
No wait, not fur, its splotches. Like the speckled pattern on Dart's back that Dustin still waxes poetic about. Or is it fur that looks like splotches from this distance. Steve can't tell but he gets out of the car. The metal of the door hinges creaks. Causing the trashing part of the creature to stop and swivel towards Steve.

  


Steve sees is black eyes set besides bone white points. He moves without thinking. Reaching in the back seat to grab the bat he always keeps there covered by a old blanket unless he's driving the kids around. Which he doesn't do too much anymore nowadays. The weight is a familiar comfort in his hands. It makes him feel certain and sure. Grounded to his body. 

  


The first swing meets flesh, the creature howls and groans. Rearing its bone white spikes at Steve trashing its long spindly limbs. Causing him to back away for a second to avoid getting hit. But it gets easier after that. the bat feels lighter with every swing. And with every thwacking impact of it the creature grows quieter. Until there's just the sound of metal studded wood hitting flesh. 

  


Steve keeps going though. You can never be too careful with monsters from the other side. He keeps hitting it till his face and body feel warm and the bat in his arms starts to grow heavy again.  
Right when he thinks maybe he can put down the bat. That maybe the creature is dead. He sees a bright white light out of the corner of his eye. There is a tow truck coming to a stop in the middle of the road. Not five feet from him and the creature. Steve starts to come back to himself when he hears the truck door open. The lights and engine still running. He can't see who it is as the person walks around to come face Steve. But whoever is it can see him. 

  


Steve realizes he's panting, large great gulps of air from all the exhaustion of killing the creature. How is he going to explain the demo dog in the middle of the road. Though dose it really matter? Aren't demo dogs and monsters an open plausibly deniable secret in the town now.  
Just as he start to open his mouth to say something.

  


“Jesus fuck Harrington, what the fuck did you do? Are you ok ??”  
It's Billy Hargrove cutting him off. Possibly the best or worst person for Steve to meet in this situation.

  


  


==== DAY 1 : December 24 TH Tuesday 5:50pm ==== 

  


“its a … I had to .. it's one of those monsters “  
Billy looks at Steve Harrington standing in the middle of the road holding a bloody bat. . Then slowly turns his head to look at the creature bleeding out on the road.  
“its a deer”  
“what? ….. no its a ” Steve looks a that creature up close with the trucks headlights fully illuminating it whole body. It's a deer, big gray-brown fur flecked with darker brown splotches. Long spindly legs, back ones look to be bent at an unnatural angle.

The worst is the top half. Large spiky bone white antlers, sit on what was once the deer's head. But now looked like a caved in watermelon. Red and pinkish blobs oozing out of  
a gaping hole, skull fragments piercing through fur.

  


“I ….I thought .. I thought it was a demo …. fuck. Shit … fuck '' Steve goes to put his hand over his mouth and tastes blood. “fuck”  
he looks down to see he's covered in blood. Red streaking his shirt and hands. He can feel wetness on his face. Tiny dots of moisture that he is now sure isn't sweat but drops of deer blood. Then he promptly turns around and throws up the entire contents of his stomach. 

  


Billy's not sure how to handle Steve Harrington on the ground curled up in a ball having a freak out because he apparently hit a deer with his car and then mistakenly beat it to death with a bat because he thought it was one of the tentacle monster's minions. He doesn't have a fucking clue. But he dose know how to function in a fucked up situation so he dose what he always done. He takes care of it. 

  


He gets Steve bundled in his spare work jacket and seated in the truck's cab. Billy doesn't even glance at Steve as he enters and exists the truck. Grabbing equipment stashed behind the seats.  
He drags the deer carcass into the woods behind the tree line. Uses a spare bottle of anti-freeze his boss keeps in the truck to wash most of the blood off the roadside. Wraps the bat in Steve's blanket and stuffs in the trunk of the Beamer. 

  


He dose he's job. Uses the tow truck to pry the Beamer from the tree. He gets the front wheels of the Beamer hooked onto the back of the towing rig. There whole right front corner of the car is trashed. Then he looks around one final time at the now empty road nothing but footprints being covered up by snow. Billy doesn't even sigh just turns and heads to the truck driving back towards Hawkins.

  


  


==== DAY 1 : December 24 TH Tuesday 7pm ==== 

  


Billy doesn't realize he's been holding his breath until he turns onto the Hawkins main street. The repair shop comes into view and suddenly its easier to breath than it had been in the last hour. Harrington hasn't said anything the whole time they've been driving. He's just been staring straight ahead. Wrapped in the spare work jacket Billy had laid on his shoulders.

He hadn't even wiped the blood which speckled his face. Billy pulls the truck in behind the repair shop obscuring it from view. 

  


Turning to Harrington. Keeping his voice deliberately low and even.  
“hey listen we can leave the car here for tonight. I can take a look at it tomorrow and you can decide what you want to do , ok ? “

  


Harrington just turns to look at Billy. Eyes glazed, a small furrow wrinkling his brow.  
All Harrington can say is “ umm.. “ he looks lost Billy thinks.

  


“look , if you want. Why don't you come inside for a bit? I live upstairs“ Billy gestures toward the upper part of the repair shop. The building is dark. only the rear yards flood lights on bathing every thing in florescent white.  
“you can get cleaned up a bit.”

  


Harrington doesn't respond to that at all. Just stares where Billy's gesturing to the darken upper level of the warehouse.  
“Or I can just take you home now.”  
“no “ Snaps out so quickly it takes Billy by surprise. He takes a moment to look at Harrington . His doe brown eyes sunken in. The specks of deer blood streaking his face , hair and clothes. Billy finds himself at once a bit fixated and turn on by this broken boy bathed in florescents. But he can't do a dam thing about it. Not while Harrington looks a minute away from passing out or spiraling into a panic attack.  
“ok, lets get inside then”

  


The apartment has it's own outer entrance from the back of the warehouse. The light in the tiny entry way flickers on. Showing a staircase leading upwards and a door off to the side leading into the repair shop.

  


=========== DAY 1 : December 24 TH Tuesday 7:15pm ===============  
Billy has a little Charlie brown Christmas tree. It stops Steve in his tracks in the middle of Billy's dingy one bedroom apartment. Billy turns, looking from Steve to the windowsill his Christmas tree sits on. "It was Max's idea. to bring Christmas spirit and i quote. Make this place look less crack dent depressing"  
its the farthest thing from depressing that Steve's seen in a while. The dark soulless house with the swimming pool barb died in. Looming in the back of his mind.  
“ hey “ Billy's voice is low and smooth as it breaks Steve's train of thought. 

  


Steve comes back to himself. blue eyes staring at him straight and clam. Billy's leaning against his refrigerator already having taken off his heavy sherling jacket , his feet are bare. Steve vaguely has an impression of Billy wiping his boots on a welcome mat at the door then taking them off and tucking them into a small open box behind the door.

  


Steve looks down at his own boots still on his feet. There's a track of bloody water from the door to where Steve's standing. He looks back up at Billy a flush coming to his cheeks.  
“ um, sorry i'll …. um take off my … um i'll clean that up '' He trails off paralyzed between taking off his shoes right where he stands and back tracking to the door. Trying to think of how to clean the floor.  
This is weird. He's in Billy's crappy apartment worrying that he's tracked slushy snow on the guy's floor.

  


Billy pushes himself back from the fridge with his shoulders. “don't worry about it Harrington. You need to get cleaned up. Just go dump everything in the bathroom and take a shower. I'll bring you some clean clothes.”  
With that Billy gives Steve a little nudge towards the small hallway in the corner of the room where the bathroom and bedroom door stand katy-corner to each other. There's just enough space for the bathroom door to open and Steve to slip inside.

  


  


==== DAY 1 : December 24 TH Tuesday 7:30pm ==== 

  


Billy's busy trying to dig out clothes for Harrington. He's already cleaned up the trail of water and deer blood that got tracked across his apartment. Deciding on a plaid button down and a pair of sweat pants. Billy figured if Harrington wants to complain then he could put back on he's blood covered clothes.

The moment Billy goes to knock on the door he knows somethings not right. For a start its partially open. As if Harrington never fully closed it to begin with. Also there's steaming rolling outwards. “Hey, i'm coming in” 

  


Billy pushes the door open all the way. Harrington is crouched down in the old claw foot tub . The curtain's been pulled back, letting hot steamy water stream down and splash the floor. Seems Harrington had the presence of mind to take off his clothes. A haphazard trail of boots and various layers leading to the tub. There a small puddle accumulating where the spray falls outside the tub.  
“ hey “  
The lack of response sends a shiver down Billy's back. A hard thing to do in the bathroom turned sauna.  
“hey Harrington “, Billy puts down the clothes a safe distance away and goes to try to shake Harrington out of it.  
“ hey , Steve”

  


  


==== DAY 1 : December 24 TH Tuesday 7:32pm ==== 

  


Steve stares down at the swirl of bloody water circling the drain. Absently he wonders how could creatures from another world have blood the same color as him. Then he remembers it wasn't a demodog of some other creature on the side of the road. It had been a deer. Just a normal regular deer. Happens all the time. Steve looks up turning his head to the spray of warm water.  
For a split second he wonders if he would of reacted the same even if it hadn't been a deer or a demo dog. If it had been a person instead. If in a moment where he was lost to himself in a haze of fear. He would have ending up hurting someone. He ends up curling tighter into a ball.

Steve feels a warm hand and pressure land on his shoulder.  
“ hey Steve “  
Steve looks up. Its Billy, Billy Hargrove. The guy he almost beat up last year. The guy who beat him bloody. The guy who got possessed by the mind flayer. The guy who'd been walking around the last few months like being the mind flayer's bitch had been the best thing that ever happened to him.

  


“ what … what was the thing in the road? “ 

  


Billy can see at this distance how Steve's looking a little wild around the eyes. Not focusing enough.  
“the thing you turned into roadkill? It was a deer. Would did you think it was? ”  
“ um “ Steve licks his lips tasting water instead of blood.  
“one of those , you know..... one of those things those monsters from before “  
Steve sounds painfully small and almost bashful. He's certainly feeling bashful now . As he comes slowly back to himself incrementally in what he assumes to be Billy's bathroom. He's stark naked , with the man standing over him looking at Steve like he's not sure what to do with him.

  


  


==== DAY 1 : December 24 TH Tuesday 7:45pm ==== 

  


The giant corduroy couch in Billy's living room / dining room / kitchen has clearly seen better days. Its placed to diagonally face the windowsill with the back of the couch facing the apartment door and side facing the tiny galley kitchen.  
Billy is standing next to it just outside the bathroom door. He'd left the room when Steve had finally gotten up from the tub. Though not before he made sure Steve wasn't going to fall over and brain himself on the tile floor.

Steve exists the bathroom draped in Billy's old Hawkins high sweat pants and a over sized t-shirt that says Dan Auto Repair. He has to walk past Billy to get to the couch. Catching a whiff of engine grease and sweat. It makes something within him jerk. Its the kind of pungent smell he'd never find at home. And yet here for some reason the otherness of it makes him relax. Billy's apartment is nothing like Steve's cold lonely house. He sits on the old couch that looks like its gone from green to mustard colored somehow. And just breaths. The sky peaking through the windows is a velvety navy and the mini Christmas tree with its pitiful lights throws a sparkle of rainbow dots across the room.  
The florescent kitchen light washing everything else out. Except Billy. Looking like some kind of angel with the way the light bounces off his hair trailing his shoulders. Steve thinks its longer. Billy's doing something at the stove now. Steve feels more centered. More like he is able to inhabit his own body now. So he gets up, wandering over the whole three feet it takes to peer over Billy's shoulder into the pot he is hovering above. 

  


Billy turns away to reach back to the fridge but Steve's in the way “ Jesus , Harrington go sit down. You were practically fucking catatonic in the shower before“  
“ what are you doing? “  
Billy looks from Steve again to the pot on the stove.  
“ making hot chocolate , its this or whiskey to make you feel better. But your out of luck cause all I got right now is milk , and a peppermint chocolate bar max left last time she was here and bitching about cramps”  
“oh, …..... ok “ “  
Billy again nudges Steve out of the way like his a wayward puppy. And shoves the milk in the fridge. Bring out a big chocolate bar wrapped in red white and gold. Which he processed to grate into the warming milk.  
Steve feels like he should say something.  
“ it's just you don't have too man, I can ….”  
Billy turns to throw a dark look over his shoulder. Though he doesn't have to throw it far.  
Their faces are practically a foot any from each other. If Steve wanted to he could lean forward and their shoulders would be touching. Steve's never noticed how blue Billy's eyes were.  
But he doesn't have long to be mesmerized. Billy's tongue pokes out licking his lips.  
“hey “ there's a warm hand on his shoulder and gentle pressure guiding Steve back to the couch.  
“just sit down, Ok. your ok. It's safe here. There's no monsters. No demo dogs or whatever. None of that fucked up shit from this summer.“  
here Billy takes a breath “it's gone. all that stuff is gone. I mean you've still got whatever weird shit caused you to beat a deer to death in the middle of the road. But that's just you dealing. Got nothing to do with holes in the world.”  
Billy gives Steve shoulder a gentle squeeze and turns back to the stove. 

  


Steve can't help but feeling like he's missing something. How can this guy who had an actual monster inside him be so calm.  
“how are you so normal?” Steve didn't realize he was going to speak the word until they are already out.  
There's a cup of something hot in front of Steve. The chocolate smell coming from it instantly relaxes him.  
“be careful it's hot” Billy's taking a seat next to him. mug of hot coco cupped in his hands. 

  


“i'm not normal, Harrington.”  
Steve just stares at Billy. Brow furrowed , looking for something anything to keep him grounded to the present.  
Billy can't help but take in Steve sitting there on his couch looking small and a bit too fragile. The way Billy felt this summer.  
With a sigh Billy begins “Steve, I'm not well adjusted. I'm copeing with all this shit so well. Because I just don't give a fuck any more.”  
there's a slightly flat look in Billy's eyes now that Steve recognizes from hours staring at himself in the mirror. 

  


Billy looks softer now than Steves ever seen him. A thin thermal shirt and sweat pants . Feet comfortably bare with how warm he keeps the apartment. Steve notices how long Billys toes look. “I thought I was going to die. I mean fuck, you weren't there but those kids were. And man. In the end I thought. this is it. And it wasn't a bad way to go. but then I woke up. And everything was fine Like nothing ever happened as far as most people here are concerned” Billy stops to take a sip of his coco. Prompting Steve to do the same . It tasting surprisingly good smooth and rich. Silky on his tongue. 

  


“and I just …... you know my dad he use to smack me around right.“ it comes out so matter of fact Steve doesn't know how to respond  
“oh I … not really but kinda ….”  
Billy continues without missing a beat.  
“ yeah, for a long time it felt like the worst thing in the world had already happened to me and I was living it every day. With no way out. And then something worse than Neil Hargrove came along. Suddenly he didn't matter so much any more.”

  


“so you mean your not fucked up from that???”

  


“ no, I am. Im tired and angry more often than not. But I've also got some prospective”  
Steve looks a t Billy he dose look tired but also calmer than he's ever seen him 

  


“ though I don't recommend being forced to do some weird therapy by demon tentacle monster. But I guess I mean i'm ok. Not fucked up but not normal. Just ok. and that ok is good enough for me .”  
Steve just continues to stare sipping his coco  
“ I guess I just … as cliche as it sounds. I just want to say. It gets better. sometimes life. like real life is a different kind of horror form monsters. Sometimes the people who are suppose to protect us just leave or they turn into the monster. if you mange to survived that. If you mange to make it through to the other side in one piece. Then. Then maybe its ok to be kinds fucked up about it. But you shouldn't be ashamed of it. you should find a way to enjoy what you have”  
Steve jumps on that  
“ is that …. that what you think? I'm ashamed ? Of what ?””

  


“I don't know. you survived too. But your just stuck here. Everyone else moved on . They're trying to build their lives back up into something. Your just here. I see you. you know. You drive to work at that video store everyday . Let that dumb fuck, boss you around stacking cases and moving cardboard cut outs from one side of the store to another. “  
“ so” Steve doesn't see where Billy's going with this. But there is a part of him that wants to , desperately .  
“ so , it's like you gave up . Even though I know you have fight in you.”  
Steve feels defeated though  
“How? How do you know that?”  
“Because that guy. King Steve. The one who almost beat my face in when I was a dick to max and her friends. The one who used to walk around the school like he owned it. “  
Steve's quick to cut in “ i'm not that guy any more “ 

  


Billy's eyebrows go up  
“Really? You don't spend like 30mins on that hair every morning? You don't call to check on the kids like twice a week?”  
“How? How do you? Are you stocking me?”  
“ no dipshit , I talk to max and she talks to the others. You work across the street from me. I'm an asshole i'm not blind or def. “  
“so you think . I'm what ? Sacred? Sacred of moving on?” Steve figures he can take a stab at what Billy is getting at now.  
“you said it not me. “  
“ no you said ashamed, of what? Of..... “ Here Steve runs out of steam.  
But Billy picks up the thread.  
“of living , of losing people . Of coming back from that fucked up mall basement when others didn't.” 

  


“ im not .. it's not like that … it's just I can't stop thinking about it. About all of it . I don't … I dont know know to move on. I dont know how to act like this stuff is ok and nothing happened and …. it's all so fucked up . I just fuck . It's all bullshit . “  
Billy shifts in closer to Steve . Putting a hand on his knee.  
“ yeah your right. It is all bullshit. But man. We make meaning for ourselves . We decide whats worth it and what isn't . we invest time and effort . You think i'm here in this bum fuck town doing oil changes 5hours a day cause it's my true calling or some shit like that? Fuck no , i'm here cause someone was kind and decent to me when I was low and gave me a chance. I'm here cause I've got … i've got a sister who gives a shit even if she is one most of the time. “  
“ so what ? What are you saying ?””  
“ fuck , Steve I cant tell you how to live or give you all the answers. All im saying is. We're alive. And even if life is kinda shitty. It's ours, so put the work in and enjoy the rewards. Your so busy living in your own misery you're missing the good stuff. “ 

  


“is that what your doing now ? Enjoying what you have ??”  
Billy looks at Steve with his doe eyes and still rounded baby face. Billy feels the want grow in hi sstomach.  
“ yeah , I am “  
“ okay “  
“okay ?”  
“okay “  
Steve puts his cup down on the floor and leans over placing a hand on Billy's cheek.  
Billys lips are just as plush as they look when Steve kisses him.  
Billy pulls back “what're you doing?”  
“enjoying the moment, im not dead and you kinda rescued me “  
“okay “ with that Billy takes Steve by the hand and leads him to the bedroom .

  


  


==== DAY 1 : December 24 TH Tuesday 9pm ==== 

  


Its hard doing the right thing. Or rather the smart thing. Its hard doing thing. where you hold your self back and save for a future.

For a promise of something better kinder less painful. But it feels counter-intuitive to have to restrain yourself. to push, to cause yourself pain and deny yourself. In order to get something better. Especially for someone whose spent their whole lives having things taken away. Of being reward for their best efforts with pain and anger and hurt.  
But maybe , maybe Billy's life has actually built him to be uniquely suited for this. This moment here where he gets to chose how he wants to live. Who he wants to be. And hes choosing this. Hes so fucking thankful he gets to do that. He lived. He survived his mom and Neil and Monsters in his head.

  


  


Everything else. Every tiny little tedious thing that grinds other normal people down day after day. Well that just a novelty for him . Maybe in a year or two he'll drive himself crazy with the tedium of it all. But right now. He's happy to just be. To exist here and now. Its like the sheer simple joy of that fact has coated him in Teflon and nothing sticks. Nothing bothers him. Not like it did before. Oh he's still carrying around a ball of authority issues. And he still really fucking hate bigots and bullies.

  


But the pressure . The feeling of complete and utter helplessness. Its gone. Hes free. And for the first time he feels like anything is possible. He thinks this is what it feels like to have hope and trust it.

  


And he can do that now. he can be the steady one. The Strong one. He can be the calm one others depend on . That Steve can depend on.

  


So when he takes Steves hand and leads him to his bedroom it's with a sense of absolute certainty that fills him to bursting.  
As Steve tries to devour him and Billy catches his hands. Slowing Steve down. As he flips them over and pushes Steve into the bed. Stripes them both of their clothes. Billy knows this is something he wont regret. 

  


Things go smoothly until they don't. Billy's working on coordinating running his hands up and down Steve's stomach while he works his thigh in between Steve's legs to grind into his dick. When something changes. Steves moans drop off and he's tense under him in a way that isn't arousal. His breathing starts getting shallow and too fast. 

  


“Steve , hey Steve . Whats wrong?”  
Billy pulls back to look down at Steve.  
“I….. I'm cold ... it's ..it's too dark …. ”  
Billy goes to get off the bed. It's freezing in the room.  
“Fuck, the boiler must have shut off. Give me a minute to go reset it. ”  
Steve grabs Billys arm in a death grip  
“no . …... no dont go “  
“hey , dont' worry . I told you your safe here. No monsters trying to eat you. Just me. I'll only eat you if you want me too baby” Billy pastes on his most lecherous smile  
it seems to do the tick in getting Steve to let go of him.  
“ok , yeah go. turn the heat back on . im .. im ok . Ill be ok “

  


  


It takes Billy 1min 30seconds to shrug on his sweats, throw on a coat over his naked chest and slide on his shoes. It takes another 2mins to get downstairs to the old boiler Dan has for the apartment it takes 5mintue for Billy to reset it and make sure it'll stay on the rest of the night. He makes a note to talk to Dan about getting a new boiler in the 2mins it take for him to climb back upstairs. It only takes him 30 seconds to stripe off once he's back in the apartment. 

  


But it's been too long. He finds Steve huddled under the blankets eyes glazed and breathing back to being too shallow for Billy's liking.  
Billy's still rock hard, he presses his palm into his dick and sighs.  
He slides into the covers. “ hey i'm back”  
Steve turns towards Billy's voice curling into his arms. “ hey “  
Steve's lips are trembling when he presses them into Billy's. Billy kisses back until Steve stops shaking and relaxes against him. But when Steve tries to lower his hand. Billy catches it. 

  


Steves voice is too loud in the silent room lights still on warmth now pouring in form the heater. “ what ? I though we were going to enjoy being alive . Fuck . I fuck this up didn't I ? “  
Billy turns them so he's laying onto of Steve covering almost his whole body weight reassuring Steve in a way he didn't realize he needed.  
“no you didn't. we are going to enjoy being alive. But not having sex tonight. Tonight we're going to enjoy ourselves by cuddling the shit out of each other with the lights on and getting and good nights sleep. And tomorrow”  
this part he leans in so his lips brush against Steve's ear as he rumbles “tomorrow i'm going to fuck you so hard you're not going to remember your name or even what those monsters look like.”  
Billy punctuates this with a slow grind of his hips into Steve's. 

  


  


That night is the first time Steve sleeps with the weight of Billy holding Steve down so he doesn't float away. More importantly its the first time Steve sleeps without nightmares all year.

  



End file.
